TEARS AND TANTRUMS: What to do
when babies and children cry
By Aletha J.Solter, Shining Star Press,
(reviewed and abridged by Aleta Blow)
PART 1: SOME FACTS
Symbolic play begins around two years of age.
Crying and raging are important stress-release
mechanisms that are available from birth on.
Crying is also a possible indication of severe stress.
Stress: Physiologists define stress as anything that
disrupts the normal balance or homeostasis of the body. The pituitary gland is
activated during stress, and this results in the
production of ACTH (adrenocorticotropic hormone). Within minutes this hormone
stimulates another gland in the body, the adrenal cortex, which releases
hormones called glucocorticoids. These help the body cope in emergencies
The neocortex of our brain gives us the ability for
complex thinking, imagination, and feelings of love, compassion, and awareness.
This, in turn, makes us susceptible to forms of emotional stress that are
unknown in the animal kingdom, such as grief, guilt, and fear about imagined
future events. Furthermore, the relatively long period of immaturity and
dependency (infancy and childhood) increases our vulnerability to psychological
stress.
Repeated stimulation of the sympathetic nervous system
– excess glucocorticoids - lead to the build-up of fatty deposits (heart
attacks, strokes), the suppression of the immune system, irritability,
apprehension, inability to concentrate (stress affects IQ scores), ulcers,
inhibition of the sexual functions and many other stress-related conditions.
The price we pay for our sensitivity, awareness, and
intelligence, therefore, is emotional pain and stress-related illnesses. Crying
and raging are an adaptive mechanism to help reduce the negative side-effects
of the physiological stress response. The word emotion comes from the Latin
word meaning "to move". This implies that our uninhibited, primitive
response to strong feelings is to become physically active – crying and raging
are very active processes.
In a study of physiological changes during crying
researches showed female university students a sad film. Those who cried were
more physically active than those who did not cry. They also had an increased
heart rate and skin conductance, indicating general physiological arousal.
Exercise and crying/raging during therapy are shown to
cause "relaxation" of a stressed condition however, exercise did not
show the same degree of relaxation as did the group of people who cried and
raged.
Emotionally-induced tears have a different composition
to irritant-induced tears. The former are shown to contain the hormone ACTH and
other substances that accumulate in the body following a stressful event. This
in turn may help to prevent too great a build-up of glucocorticoids. Crying may
therefore be comparable to other processes such as urinating, defecating,
exhaling, menstruating, and sweating, all of which remove waste products from
the body. All this shows that healthy people cry more and have a more positive
attitude about crying than people who suffer from ulcers or colitis.
Children who cry enough enjoy several benefits. They
show improved emotional health, a healthier attachment to
adults, higher self-esteem, are easier to live with, and have better
learning ability. P 19
MAJOR SOURCES OF STRESS FOR INFANTS AND CHILDREN
a) Hurts by commission (direct hurts from other
people):
Physical, sexual verbal or emotional abuse
Disrespectful treatment (eg: insults, lies)
Authoritarian discipline (Including all punishment)
Pressure to learn, perform, or compete
Unrealistically high adult expectations
Repression or rejection of painful emotions
Love or attention conditional on child’s behaviour
Racism, sexism
b) Hurts by omission (unmet needs):
Physical or emotional neglect
Insufficient physical contact (holding)
Delay or misinterpretation of need fulfilment
Lack of opportunities to form attachments
Lack of attention, empathy, or sensitive
responsiveness
Lack of stimulation
Lack of autonomy
Unfulfilled promises
Lack of information, unanswered questions
c) Situational hurts (Indirect hurts, caused by life
circumstances):
Prenatal or birth trauma
Illnesses, injuries, medical procedures
Permanent loss of attachments (separation or death)
Short separation( depends on
age of child)
Overstimulation
Developmental frustrations and fears
Inevitable restrictions
Major changes (eg. new sibling, home, or school)
Parental stress (eg: anxiety, grief, anger, illness)
Parental disputes, separation or divorce
Parental alcoholism or drug abuse
Dysfunctional family system
Natural disasters (eg: fires, floods, earthquakes)
Exposure to violence (through real life or the media)
Other frightening events
Disappointments or unexpected occurrences
Disputes with siblings or other children
Some children are more sensitive than others, and a
similar incident, such as a change in routine, could deeply upset one child
while not affecting another child at all (p. 9) so adults need to be aware of
each child’s thought processes, feelings and needs so as to reduce stress in
their children’s lives.
Things that affect a child’s homeostasis are called
stressors. Stressors cause children to feel terrified, anxious, confused,
frustrated, angry, betrayed, sad, or disappointed.
Parents should allow their children to express their
painful emotions such as hostility, jealousy etc – even towards their parents –
without negative consequence. Their way is often by crying or raging. Even
though parents may not openly reject a crying child, any attempts to distract a
child away from his crying will be felt by him as a form of emotional
abandonment. P 22
Sometimes a minor pretext will be an excuse to release
a build-up of tension – just be with the child and show them loving acceptance.
Often a child takes his frustration out on the parent about something
completely unrelated.
Summing up (short list) of major Sources of Stress for
infants:
Pre- and Perinatal Trauma
Unfilled needs
Overstimulation
Developmental frustration
Physical pain
Frightening
experiences
WHAT TO DO WHEN BABIES AND CHILDREN CRY
Babies:
Babies should never be left to cry alone
The best way of responding: (p. 34)
Take your baby in your arms, sit in a comfortable
chair, and look at her face. If her eyes are open, look into her eyes. Feel her
energy and life force. Hold her calmly, without bouncing or jiggling.
Take some deep breaths and try to relax. Be aware of
the love you have for your baby.
Talk to your baby. Tell her: "I love you, I’m
listening. You’re safe with me. I will stay with you. It’s okay to cry."
You can also try to figure out the cause of the crying and verbalise your
thoughts: "Did you have a hard day? Maybe we did too much today."
Tell her that you understand how hard it is to be a baby. Let her know that you
want to help her feel better.
Be aware of your own emotions. If you need to cry with
her, go ahead. Tell her that you are sad.
If she arches away from you or does not look at you,
say, "Please look at me. I’m here. I want you to feel safe with me."
Gently touch your baby’s arms or face to reassure her of your physical
presence. Don’t be surprised if this causes louder crying than before.
Continue to stay with your baby and to hold her
lovingly until she spontaneously stops crying.
Children:
Remove the source of hurt wherever possible
Treat them similarly to a crying baby but allow them
to respond
Listen to the child and accept their crying.
Allow them to express their painful feelings - the
entire range of emotions.
Guidelines for Creating Emotional Safety
Give children plenty of physical closeness
Give children plenty of aware attention
Listen respectfully to children when they talk.
Stay close and pay attention to children when they are
crying or raging.
Use a not-authoritarian approach to discipline
Give children correct information about crying
Communicate your own feelings and needs honestly
Deal
responsibly with your own strong emotions.
REPRESSION OF CRYING
Because of the misunderstanding about the importance
of crying and raging, and because people are often afraid of strong and painful
emotions, they repress them.
How Crying is repressed in Children (p 33)
Telling child to stop crying
Punishing (or threatening)
Withdrawing love or attention, isolating child
Distracting with talk, music, movement, games
Putting something in a child’s mouth (food, pacifiers)
Teasing, shaming
Denying or minimising child’s pain
Praising child for not crying
Getting child to talk or laugh
Control Patterns
Because most people have had their crying repressed,
beginning very early in life, they have learned to hold their feelings in by
means of behaviours called "control patterns." These habits or
behaviours are artificial ways of providing feelings of well-being or to
provide numbness so as prevent themselves from feeling emotional pain and from
crying. Control patterns often take the form of addictions.
Consumption of chemical substances
Overeating (and I would add other eating disorders
such as anorexia and bulimia)
Nail biting and other habits
Muscle tensions and rigidities (I would add
psychosomatic illnesses, eg. headaches
Excessive activity
Distractions (television)
When adults attempt to heal themselves by crying
others sometimes think of them as being weak, "falling apart," or
"having a nervous breakdown".
Crying for Boys and Girls
Before
adolescence boys cry about the same amount as girls. However, around the age of
twelve years there is a sharp decline in crying in boys. This is probably due
to both biological and cultural factors…in most cultures men cry less than
women…strength and masculinity are associated with
emotional detachment, rather than emotional vulnerability or sensitivity.
Generally, men are very good at talking and analysing their feelings but are
seldom able to cry. They are often unaware of their deeper emotion. Studies
have shown that survivors of child abuse are more likely to become violent
towards others, whereas female survivors are more likely to develop
self-destructive behaviours such as anorexia, self-mutilation, or suicidal
tendencies. (p. 37)
CRYING AS THERAPY
"Dealing with the source of children’s problems
often means confronting strong emotions. The healing processes of crying and
raging are noisy, messy, unpredictable, and time-consuming. They require
commitment and attention from caring adults." (p.32)
The role of crying is of particular interest in two
therapeutic approaches: Birth Recovery Therapy and Holding Therapy:
a) Birth Recovery Therapy (p. 26)
Researchers in the field of pre- and perinatal
psychology have found that traumatic births have a potential for causing
lifelong problems. There is a correlation between perinatal complications and
susceptibility of children to emotional and behavioural problems. Birth trauma
may also be partly responsible for later schizophrenia, violent crime, suicidal
behaviour, and various physical ailments. It is very important to help infants
resolve birth trauma as early as possible to avoid later problems..
William Emerson, a pioneer in psychotherapy with
infants, has developed a successful kind of therapy called, "Birth
Simulating Massage."
Peter Levine, another therapist, used a similar
technique called "Renegotiating Birth Trauma."
b) Holding therapy (p. 27)
Children are loving
"held" and allowed and encouraged to cry and rage without being
punished, ridiculed, or rejected. The holding is never done in a spirit of
punishment or revenge, or with the desire to harm or dominate a child.
Holding therapy was first used with autistic children
in the 1950’s. Several therapists have noted profound and rapid improvements in
autistic children after allowing and encouraging them to cry and rage during
holding therapy sessions.
Some believe that the crucial therapeutic component is
the holding itself. Some feel that only the mother should do the holding so as
to restore the ruptured mother/child bond. Children resist this closeness at
first and cry and struggle but gradually accept being held and eventually
snuggle lovingly in their mother’s arms. There are those who believe that a
therapist can be as effective as the mother and the trust developed can be
transferred to the parent/child relationship.
It is also possible that much of the healing is due to
the physiological acts of crying and raging that are triggered by being held
closely and lovingly. Holding gives a child a physical limit to struggle
against, especially if the child is dealing with prenatal or birth trauma, or
past experiences of powerlessness (such as hospitalisation). It provides a safe "container" for the child’s emotions so
that he does not harm himself or others.
Children with attachment disorders: Healthy
attachments are essential for normal development. During the first year,
frequent physical contact with the parents is necessary. Another factor is
prompt and appropriate responsiveness to the infant’s signals. Children need
continuity in caretakers, and they suffer from prolonged separations from their
parents, especially during the first five years. Abuse and neglect can also
seriously impair healthy attachment.
Holding therapy has proven to be particularly
successful with children suffering from attachment disorders. This is caused by
emotional or physical neglect or by repeated changes in primary caregivers.
Children with serious attachment disorders either resist forming attachments or
show excessive, superficial familiarity with strangers. They are described as
being without a conscience because they seem to feel no empathy or remorse, and
they can be quite destructive or violent: setting fires, killing animals, or
seriously harming other children or themselves. These children often lie and
steal, and sometimes have delays in language and conceptual skills. On the
other hand, they come across as quite "normal" at first and can be
deceptively charming. They do not respond well to traditional forms of therapy
because they are unable to trust whereas holding therapy seems to have salutary
effects.
ADHD (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) is a
label given to children who are easily distractible, or hyperactive/impulsive
and often aggressive. (It is estimated that three to five percent of children
in the
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a result of
abuse or some kind of trauma (see list of stressors). Children
suffering from this often displays similar symptoms as ADHD.
Children suffering from these conditions "throw
tantrums, are full of uncontrolled activity, leave messes, throw tantrums, and
don’t listen to or follow instructions." (pamphlet
on ADHD published by the National Institute of Mental Health) Holding therapy
helps them release their pent-up emotions cause them to behave that way. In her
book Holding Time, Martha Welch, a psychiatrist who uses holding therapy in
these cases describes the typical stages in a holding session – confrontation,
rejection, and resolution.
Summing up of crying therapies:
Many therapists and doctors prefer to avoid anything
that triggers intense feelings. Drugs (Rittelin) are often prescribed for
children suffering from emotional or behavioural problems, even though no
neurological cause has been established. This prevents the family from dealing
with the root cause of the problem.
Even when there is an imbalance in brain chemistry, it
is important to realise that this could be the result of trauma. Crying and
raging are natural ways to re-establish chemical balance as tears contain
hormones and neurotransmitters. (see above)
The common element in Birth Recovery Therapy and
Holding Therapy is that children are exposed to forms of stimulation that
trigger intense emotions. They are touched in ways that trigger a memory of
their birth trauma, or they are held closely. In both cases, after repeated
exposure during which crying has occurred, the
stimulus no longer causes resistance, anxiety, or anger. They are powerful
therapies and have the potential for abuse and misuse. Great care must be taken
to avoid retraumatizing children during these forms of therapy.
These
approaches are similar to certain exposure techniques use by behavioural
therapists for curing phobias. When patients are forced to confront the very
situation that terrifies them, they learn that no harm results,
and their phobias disappear.
GENERAL SUMMING UP
It is vital that we grasp the role of crying and
raging as part of a healthy expression of and outlet for the fears and anxiety
experienced in infants from trauma caused before, during and after birth.
Trauma is caused by stress factors called stressors. Crying and raging is the non-verbal way infants and children express these
fears and anxieties. The worst thing to do is to try to repress this
expression. Parents and others involved with rearing and treating children
should learn the correct ways of dealing with the tears and tantrums of infants
and children. The repression of crying and thus of negative emotions often has
serious, lifelong effects on the individual and his world. Control patterns in
the form of addictions are often the results.
Anything that reminds a person of a previous stressful
event will trigger a stress response, even though the new situation is totally
harmless. This is known as "generalisation of a conditioned emotional
response."
The process of extinguishing this generalisation of a
conditioned emotional response or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can
take a long time. The physiological process of crying while feeling safe
somehow convinces the brain that the threat has been overcome and resolved.
Crying under helpful and caring conditions such as proper
holding helps to undo the conditioning of the stress response. It helps
overcome the "rage-reaction" and can bring healing of the effects of
past traumatic experiences including prenatal and birth trauma. It can even
help correct the chemical imbalance created by trauma. This therapy applies to
adults as well as infants and children.